this is a relic of a life gone by,

The Beautiful Letdown

Have you ever fallen upon part of your history and realize you let yourself down? if you couldn't gather from the last entry date on here, that is exactly what happened to me today. it has been 2 years since i have even though of this and this time im committed (not like that new years gym resolution half of you will make) 

So here is my metaphorical break in my elongated chain of whatever that self disappointing moment triggered in my brain. i hope you are as faithful with this as i am. (as if i will ever know who YOU are)

Recently i have been spending a lot of time thinking about my friend Alice. we started college together and she was a beautiful person, inside and out. she had a gift and to this day myself and many others spend time out of our "busy lives" to listen to her play and sing as she did for us in life.

if you want the song i listened to while writing this start the video at 2:34

Alice passed tragically in a car accident and her death was and remains my first encounter with death at a youthful age, it also stands as a reminder and testament to her legacy she has left behind. Her story and passion for what she believed was always more genuine than anything i had ever known. It is important to communicate this to you because recently i have been defining my standing and impact in the world around me. not so much a struggle with self worth, more of a purpose full impact during my daily routine.

this is my "ant" concept. if i do deliberate small things, then over time i will have built a mountain out of sand

my method is simple, do more little things for anyone, be it a stranger or my wife. in doing so im hoping to hone my ideology that "I" am not the most important person in my day. its really the people i pass in the store, or the child i see waving in the back of a car.  “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities." Luke 16:10

 i couldn't begin to tell you the times i notice a small smile across a cashiers face when i thank them by name. or the couple i waited an extra 10 seconds for so i could hold the door for the. but i can tell you that the reward is as much for them as it is for me.

                

 God has given me people, and i intend to be faithful with what he has given me. more often than i would like to admit i have a heavy sense of apathy toward people. i find myself concerned with them only if im affected by them in some way. Alice was always the first out and first in any doorway, not because she had an "im winning charlie sheen" complex. but because she wanted to be there to hold the door, or give a quirky smile as you passed. She left many emotions and feelings behind, but for me she left something more. you know in twilight when jacob imprinted on the baby and he does anything in his power to protect and ensure the child's safety and comfort? well that's like alice and me. (dont take my man card yet guys) she has imprinted on me the idea that im taken care of, i do not want for food or struggle to breathe. the least i can do is put humanity before myself. I want to stand and say that as a man, i love myself a lot. but ... i love people more.  just as Jesus loves me.

                

do NOT read this unless you are listening to the song "strawberry swing" by Coldplay

on rainy days such as this i tend to be taken by my mind. i think about what is going on in my life and what im dealing with. somehow i always come to the same conclusion...

                                      life recently has been full of decisions. not only by me but by everyone around me. today i cannot help but to pray for relief. just a simple calm in this stupid storm. i feel like i am on the verge of becoming indifferent to what is going on around me. (thats not to say i will quit) perseverance is a lesson to be learned daily.

     as i sit waiting for fruition i cant help but to wonder who i will become. i know who i want to be but i don't know how to get there...                                                                  

Lord, this bitter earth

Yes, can be so cold 
Today you're young 
Too soon, you're old 
But while a voice within me cries 
I'm sure someone may answer my call 
And this bitter earth 
Ooooo may not 
Oh be so bitter after all

lyrics to "this bitter earth" 

by Dinah Washington

why is it that im always waiting for the moment in my life where the music comes in? my running soundtrack is on repeat for too long. why is it acceptable to go through the days like we are putting one foot in front of the other.                        (same stuff different day) it is a miraculous happening that i am even here to exist in this day, and i have the guts to complain about it?  who am i kidding but myself. 

        the first bible that was given to me had a verse written under the front cover. that verse today means more than it ever has. while im sitting inside waiting as rain falls and Coldplay serenades my ears ... it hits me. 

on any other day, at any other time before now i would have been contemplating my life and what i need to do to get where im going. and like every day before i would have the same conclusion. that i will make it past whatever stands in front of me. i just have to take the next step. 

     but today is different. today that verse in the front of my bible hit me like a ton of bricks.     Jeremiah 29:11 "for i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..."

     im not just putting one foot in front of the other trying to overcome whatever i am facing. im already doing it. IM IN THE WORK NOW! my problems are slowly and surely falling behind me and its not because of me chipping at the stone. its the simple fact that i am following a path already laid out. God has already cut my path.  

i have this funny mental picture in my head of me hiking in the woods intently hunched over  staring at the path making sure it is safe to put my foot down. moving just enough to not be still. all the while there is a clear path to my destination already set out.   its like a treadmill. who stares at the treads? we all know its clear so we just go. we may not feel like we are getting anywhere but we can rest assured that the trail is clear. 

today i realized that im hiking in the rain scrutinizing the muddy trail making sure its OK to step. all the while i should be enjoying the world around me, smelling the fresh rain and feeling its cool relief. 

       never again do i want to put God in my cage of a brain.      i have no right to take for granted the day given. and for that i am sorry. God is sufficient.

"and it is true what you said, i live like a hermit in my own head. but when the sun shines again, i will open the curtains and blinds to let the light in..."

to be frank, i have no idea why i am doing this. obviously it gives me a place to solidify my thoughts, maybe somewhere inside me I'm hoping to get some kind of affirmation from a perfect stranger that my world is larger than what fits into my head. i just don't know. my english is poor, and my grammar is an abomination. admittedly there is something relieving to know that i am not bound by rules or templates. i get to talk. this is me, all me, be it good or bad i have yet to decide. maybe that's your job. (who ever you are) just keep me posted... here goes nothing

i am a wanderer, meaning that i simply go wherever I'm allowed. i don't have a permanent residence and I'm OK with that. (home is where the heart is right?) currently I'm in Boston. 3000 miles from where i was born. the good thing is that it fits me, not the left wing liberal thing but the lifestyle. people keep to themselves even if they are surrounded by hundreds. here i can simply continue my existence without impact. sitting on the "T" (subway) I'm not obligated to even acknowledge people. they get on and off and we never see each other again. but therein lies the problem. as human beings each one of us struggle to make an impact in the world.

"when my time comes, help me leave something behind to be missed" - Chester Bennington
 
how big is our impact if we only get the people we spend time with? does it really matter? how much does it really matter if you have 1 or 100 people at your funeral? sorry Chester but i think you have missed the point. yea he may be a popular singer and make the big bucks but that doesn't matter once life is over. how vain can we become? that we would want as many people to suffer from our death as possible? life is short.

The hardest battle i had with myself was over my own worth. i couldn't see living life without purpose. that was the first stepping stone on my walk with Christ. I figured that living for Christ was better than living for myself.
      it is.